Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Daily Cartoon: 10/25

Days 7 & 8: Don't Yoga and Sneeze

I'm pretty sure this cold is out to kill me. My head feels like my brain dissolved and turned into snot and is slowly seeping out my nose. My eyes won't stop watering so I look like I'm always in a fit of tears. My ears are all stopped up, so I misunderstand what people are telling me, a lot. The cashier at the gas station asked me if I paid at the pump and I thought she called me a heffalump. I was kind of offended and looked at her like I was going to suck out her skinny little soul, and then she said it again, only this time I realized what she was ACTUALLY freaking saying. So yeah... I tried to say “oh sorry, yes.” and instead this happened:

And evidently, most people don't speak squeak. She just looked at me like I was crazy as I stood there trying to squeak out “YES, AT PUMP”.

I did try to get some exercise yesterday. I decided maybe a few relaxing yoga poses would be nice. Hint: Don't do yoga while you are sneezing!

It started like this:

and then went like this:

and then to this:

then I sneezed which resulted in this:

I somehow didn't break my nose, but my head and face didn't feel so hot for quite some time.

I started my new job yesterday (YAY!) but since I'm seriously ill and I spend at least 6 hours on the phone for training, I'm constantly trying to squeak my way into getting someone to understand my question or completely misunderstanding instructions thanks to my stopped up ears. The past two days have essentially looked like this:

Anyway. On a diet related note, I've been eating healthy, which I'm really proud of considering how icky I feel. It's tough to get up and cook a meal when you are slowly being killed by a mucus blob. But, I've done it, and I'm glad to say that my calorie counts have been right on target the past few days. YAY!

So, if anyone has some suggestions on a good HEALTHY homemade chicken noodle soup or an insanely fast cure for a killer cold, please feel free to share!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Daily Cartoon 10/22

Day 6: Diet + Sick = One Sad Jacquie

Okay. Dieting sucks. However, being sick and dieting sucks even more.

I woke up with some slight congestion yesterday, and by today it had mutated into an all consuming mucus blob that was waging war on my head and chest. Most of the morning I spent looking something like this:

However, if it hadn't been for Adam, my boyfriend (and superhero at the moment) showing up at my door with ammunition from CVS before he went to work:

I probably would have ended up dead in a pile of Kleenex.

I tried to exercise, but just ended up coughing uncontrollably and almost falling off the exercise bike.

I'm not sure if it was lack of oxygen or an overload of mucus, but most of the day is pretty cloudy. I do know that at some point I gathered up what little cash I could find and SOME HOW ended up at the grocery store and left with 6 cans of random soup. Somehow I did end up with some chicken noodle, and that's what I lived on today. Apparently, even though I was delirious I was still calorie conscious, because the cans say they only have 100 calories per serving. I don't remember if the chicken noodle soup was any good, I don't even really remember cooking it and eating it, but apparently at some point I did.

So, today I really didn't accomplish much. I vegged out in front of the TV watching “Once Upon a Time” all day and apparently eating soup.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

And Adam, again, THANK YOU for the cold meds, cough drops, and Diet Dr. Pepper. I appreciate it more than you know! :)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Daily Cartoon 10/20

This is actually one of my biggest issues.  I'll just eat because I'm bored.  I'm bored a lot.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Day 3: A Stability Ball Tries to Kill Me and I Defeat a Restaurant!

So, Day 3. I've made it. At last. Sorry that I didn't get this posted earlier. It's been a crazy day. However, despite everything I did really good today and I'm very proud of myself.

It kind of got off to a late start. I wasn't able to go to sleep last night, and spent all night rolling around the bed trying to will my brain to shut up so I could sleep. Around 6:30 AM I was literally laying there repeating, “Sleep... must sleep...” It looked something like this:

I finally drifted off around 8am, and LUCKILY I managed to sleep til around 11am. Yes, I am totally thankful for my three hours of sleep. However, I will not allow a little lack of sleep to keep me from doing what I said I was gonna do. I got up, ate breakfast (oatmeal, bleh) and decided to get right to the workout. My friend dropped off one of her old stability balls while she was over here earlier this week so I'd have something fun to do. I rolled around on the ball trying to find my center of balance, did some ab exercise, and some push-ups, and squats... then came leg lifts...

I was actually kind of enjoying the exercise (yep, I said it, enjoying EXERCISE). At least I was until this happened:

Apparently, this particular stability ball is possessed and half way through a leg lift it slung me flat on my ass off the back of itself. That's the story I'm going with anyway. I don't really know of any other way to explain what happened. I mean, I'm a totally coordinated person. I only fall down the stairs once a month or so, and all those walls just keep jumping out in front of me to be dicks. Since I'm now kinda terrified of the demon stability ball, I finished out my workout with a set of Callenetics and did a little biking on my stationary bike while watching TV. So, despite Satan “Stability Ball” Lucifer's best attempts, I had a good workout!

So, I'm supposed to be starting a new job next Tuesday, and said job e-mailed me some stuff I have to print off and return prior to starting. Well, naturally, my printer is all jacked up. So, I ran over to my Aunt's house to print it off. I knew they planned on going out to dinner that night, so I figured I'd run over there and get it done before they left, and then head back home to eat my sensibly planned meal. NOPE. Instead, they wanted me to go to dinner with them. I'm pretty sure I looked something like this:

Yeah. I almost had a panic attack right there on the spot. Seriously? You want me to go out to dinner at a restaurant and eat? I'm on a diet, and we all know that I'm on a diet because I make really poor decisions when it comes to food. SHIT!

There was no getting out of it though, so I tagged along determined to make a responsible choice. I opened up the menu and poured through the selections. My Uncle gave me sage advice to “Just cheat a little tonight and get right back on track tomorrow.” I know he meant well, and I harbor no ill feelings about it, but realistically that was the downfall of every “diet” I have ever done in the past. I think “Oh, I'll do this tonight, and I'll workout extra tomorrow and eat a few less calories, it'll be fine.” Then I spend whatever is left of the day stuffing my face with whatever fat food I can find. Then come tomorrow, I think I can do that all over again, until it reaches a point that I have forgotten I was on a diet to begin with. Nope. Not this time. I looked, and looked.... and looked until I found something healthy. I decided to order “Veggie Fajita's”.

Yeah. I so wanted the 3,000 + calorie option, but I stuck to my guns and ordered the lighter meal. I'm actually kind of proud of myself.  By the way, they were actually really good, and I felt just as full as if I had eaten the 3,000 + calorie option.

My Dinner

All in all, it was a pretty successful day.

Near death experiences: 1
# of restaurants survived: 1
Hours of Sleep: 3
Level of exhaustion: 10

Daily Cartoon 10/19

Sorry for the late post guys, busy day.  Blog update coming soon-ish.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Day 2: I survive a store and being attacked by a dog!

So, after posting last night my brain continued it's efforts to assault me into going and getting a beverage super-saturated with caffeine and sugar. I'm happy to say it failed, but it was one hell of a fight. 

First I had to convince myself that I was responsible enough to handle a trip to the store to buy something to beat the headache, and ONLY something to defeat the headache. 

Because this is what I imagined a trip to the store to look like:

Then I actually had to go to the store and get it, and this is what it actually looked like:

The good news is, I conquered the store. I made it out with nothing more than my Super-Duper-Migraine-Reducer.

Which is why I made it to the gym today. I did 45 minutes of cardio. Go Me!

I decided that for strength training today I would do Callenetics at home, which is this old exercise program my Mom used to do which works small miracles. Really! Not only do they trim and tone your body in amazing ways, the woman who invented them created them to alleviate back pain. This is a major plus for me since my back hurts all the time because apparently my boobs are, like, one of fat's favorite places to live (which isn't as great as some people would think). If anyone is interested, I use Callentics: 10 Years Younger in 10 Hours. It just happens to be the one Mom had. I haven't tried the others, but I'm betting they are great too. You can find it on Amazon here.

But, back to the story of today.

So, I get home, make lunch, rest awhile, and decide I better do the Callenetics before my motivation melts completely. So I get to the ab section, which you do in the floor, and merrily begin:

My dog, in his infinite wisdom, decides that since I'm in the floor it's time to play.

And runs off to get his ball (unbeknownst to me).

And jumps right in onto the center of my chest and shoves the ball in my face. This is what I see:

So, in addition to my ab workout, I got a face full of dog slobber, and learned the only way to complete the exercise is to LOCK the DOG out of the ROOM!

The rest of the day was rather boring, so I won't go into detail. We'll just head into today's breakdown.

# of meltdown's: 0
# of dog attacks: 1
# of cheats: 0
# of Super-Duper-Migraine-Reducer's taken: Well above average dose.
Pain Scale: 0 I'm feeling pretty damn good today!

Anyone who is interested:  This is what my dog Tino actually looks like, and as you can see, he has no respect for personal space... AT ALL!

Daily Cartoon for 10/18

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day 1 or "I lost my Lucky Charms"

Day One


Okay. So, I'm here, I obviously survived day one... JUST BARELY.

Here's how my morning started:


Me: Uh... Yes I can...

Friend: NO! No you cannot. (grabs box out of my hand) Lucky Charms are not good for you. You're supposed to be eating healthy. REMEMBER!?

Me: (my inner child immediately takes over) UH-HUH, they are too healthy! See, LOOK, right there on the box. WHOLE GRAINS. Whole grains are healthy. Lucky Charms are healthy.

Friend: Really? You are going to toddler-out over a bowl of cereal?

Me: Uh, yeah... It's part of a complete breakfast! Breakfast will not be complete without Lucky Charms. (I make a dive for the box)

Friend: (snatches the box out of reach just as my fingers graze its glorious cardboard surface) Lucky Charms are mostly sugar. You're having oatmeal.

Me: But I HAAATTTE oatmeal! (stomping feet) It's all mushy-fied and stuff. And you won't let me put any of the good stuff in it.

Friend: Did you just stomp your feet at me?

Me: (whining) But I don't LIKE oatmeal. Look, how about I measure my Lucky Charms. The box says that if I measure out the serving and use skim milk it's not that many calories.

Friend: NO! You are NOT eating LUCKY CHARMS!

Me: (pouts)

Friend: How about an egg white omelet.

Me: (pouts)

Friend: Seriously, you act like you had to chase down the damn leprechaun yourself.

Me: If I chase the leprechaun down myself can I have Lucky Charms.

Friend: Nope.

Me: Grrr!!

Friend: Hand me the mozzarella cheese.

Me: Augh, FINE!

Yep, I lost my lucky charms. My inner child put up a good fight, but she couldn't argue with the logic and sense of my friend, the health nut. I was really rooting for her too. We ended up tossing the box later that afternoon. It was one of the saddest things I've ever been forced to do. I will miss the magically delicious-ness of the hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers and balloons... (sigh)... BUT, it's for the best. Or at least that's what I'm told.

Around noon my body suddenly realized that it was missing what it now considers to be vital nutrients- sugar and caffeine. I don't care how many Tylenol you take, a caffeine/sugar withdraw headache is not backing down. Hopefully my body will soon realize that caffeine and sugar are not what is meant to sustain me and it can learn to survive without it. Research says 3 days to a week for my body to reprogram itself to live without it. It's gonna be a long week.

As a result of above mentioned headache, I didn't try to workout today. I was doing good to remain upright. So cut me some slack.

I did manage to cook myself lunch and dinner though.  I made a low-cal Parmesan crusted chicken breast for lunch, and then for dinner I made a lower calorie version of chicken dumplings and used whole wheat flower for the dumplings instead of white.  Then I carefully measured out one serving, and the rest is going in the freezer for some other time.  I stuck to fruits and veggies for snacks.  All in all, it was pretty good and I've got about 400 calories left for the day.  YAY!

That's what's really kind of sad about all of this. I know how to cook. I know how to cook healthy. I actually like healthy food. Yet somehow, I've let myself get so lazy, I'll run up to Micky D's and grab a burger that I don't even like to avoid having to cook. Pathetic.

BUT: All in all, day one was a success. Here's the summary:

# of breakdowns: 1
Headache: Barely Survivable

# of cheats: 0
Deaths: 0
Overall: SUCCESS! 

I think I earned a gold star for today!  :)

Daily Cartoon 10/17

Daily Cartoons are Back!!!

As some of you know I did this awhile back on Facebook, and then life got all crazy and I stopped, and then I stopped dieting, and yeah.... well.... due to popular demand, they are back!

I hate the scale, and the scale hates me!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Let's Begin

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Shelly Winter's once said, “I'm not overweight, I'm just 9 inches to short!”. Well, I'll be honest, I'm a little more than 9 inches to short. I'm 5'9'' and I weigh 269 pounds... which puts me closer to 20” to short. I did the math. Since I don't see myself growing another 20” (and given the option I wouldn't want to) I'll have to find another way to reach that magical goal weight. Which brings us here, Day Zero. This is the last day of living the fat lady lifestyle. Yep, I'm breaking it off with all my fast food love affairs. I've served the fat that is currently residing on every conceivable area of my body an eviction notice, and I've prepared the trash can to take on a lot of junk food from the pantry, fridge, and freezer. It's going to be quite the overhaul. Sadly, my cupboards are going to be rather bare without the junk food. There really isn't very much that is considered healthy with my current diet plan. Tomorrow is a new day though.


(This will be my fridge tomorrow... the goal sign and all!)

You may be wondering how I got into such a pig-tastic state. To be honest, I wonder myself. I'm not really sure why I ended up where I am. Don't get me wrong, I know what I did to get me here, I'm just not sure why. Usually, reading through stories such as mine, it starts with this critical moment that turned them into a calorie consuming beast. I don't have one of those, or if I do, I don't know what it was.

I had a bright and happy childhood. My parents didn't put me on diets or make off color remarks about my weight. I wasn't teased at school. I didn't feel any kind of self-loathing or self-doubt to trigger eating monstrous amounts of calories. I ate lots of veggies as a child. I preferred to eat them straight out of the family garden, which from what I understand is super healthy. My parents did make me eat meat, but not in a “clean your plate or your grounded” kind of way. So I honestly don't know. I'm not going to blame McDonald's or America or any of those other cop-outs. I drove myself there, I ordered the food, and I shoved it in my face knowing full well it'd make me fat. Maybe it's genetics, maybe it's boredom, maybe I just like food to damn much. I don't know, I don't care. I just know it has to stop.

I haven't always been fat. I was thin all the way through grade school and middle school. I started gaining some weight in high school, but it wasn't severe enough to freak me out. After graduation it began slowly creeping up on me, and now here I am, BLIMP SIZE BABY!


While I don't know how I got from that skinny little blonde girl to a morbidly obese woman, I do know what made me want to stop the expansion. I'm really trying not to make this some mopey, feel sorry for me blog, but realistically my turning point was one of complete devastation Well, three points. A few years ago me and my boyfriend accidentally conceived a child. We weren't trying, but it happened, and after the initial shock we got pretty damn excited. However, I miscarried right before the end of my first trimester. I was devastated and it took months for me to rebuild myself back into some semblance of a human being. Since then, we have suffered through two more of these, the most recent one only a couple of months ago. After the second one I asked my doctor at the time what was wrong with me and why this kept happening. He wasn't so up to date on his bedside manner. In a slightly more professional way he looked me square in the eye and told me it was all my fault, I was fat. I spent quite awhile beating myself up over that. I hated myself, I hated my body, and I felt like a monster. A couple of months ago when it happened again I sought serious medical advice. A few test later it turns out my hormones are all jacked up. I'm on a strict regimen of medications, and even though the doctor I'm seeing now doesn't think my weight is the primary cause and did a great job of not making me out to be a monster, we both agree that the extra pounds aren't helping. It's possible that it could be the reason my hormones are messed up, but more than likely its a genetic issue since several women in my family had the same issue at ideal weights.

So that’s it. That's why I'm here. I want children and I want to be healthy enough to not only carry them, but take care of them once they are here. I also feel like if I do this, if I get healthy, and something good comes out of the devastation of losing the other three, I'll be in some small way honoring them.

****okay, taking a deep breath, drying my eyes, and moving on****

As I said before, I want to keep this light and fun and humorous. Losing weight is hard. But it is filled with hilarious moments, and I want to share them with you, share my success, and if I'm lucky, get a little moral support. If nothing else it keeps me accountable.


So, stay tuned!

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